What Do We Have?
by hamstro130
Summary: He knew he didn’t have any right to say that, he was the one who was late. Always late. And she was the one who always waited for him. She always had, even when they were teens.


**Hey guys! This is just an idea I got and well, I was inspired and continued to spin and this is the result. This sets in the future, around the age of 30 for the characters. I hope you'll all like it and please review to let me know what you thought!**

**What Do We Have?**

"_That_ was amazing." He said and smiled at her.

"Yeah." She smiled softly at him. That was how it always were between them, he would say it had been amazing and she would give him a smile, a kind of sad one because she knew that before they both knew it they would have to return to the real world, the cold and cruel world where they had to play the roles God apparently had given them.

"Hey, how you're doing? I lost you there," he said and stroked her hair.

"Sorry. My thoughts got the better of me. I wish we could stay here forever."

He looked at her, studied her carefully, the way he always did. It made her slightly uncomfortable because she knew that he was thinking about what was going on inside of her head and she also knew that he probably could read her like an open book.

"You have a cigarette?" he asked while he looked at his Rolex. Checking the time. She hated that with him. Hated that he always had to know what the clock was. She hated the fact that she always had him on borrowed time, that she never was able to be the one he would take home at the end of the night. That all they got were stolen moments. It wasn't enough for her but it was all she got and for her it was better to have a part of him than nothing at all.

"Yeah, check my purse."

He kissed her softly before he got up and lit up the cigarette. He blew out big rings of smoke, he was the only one that could make smoke rings that she knew of and it fascinated her. In the same way he fascinated her. He always had, ever since they were just kids.

"So, I can probably get off job early on Friday and she's out of town this weekend so I thought we could take a trip to the Hamptons, rent that nice house we did last year, cook some good food, spending the whole weekend in bed?" He smiled again, but it was more like a grin. She didn't really know why or what it was that set her off, maybe it was his self esteem or the way he always seemed so sure that she would take every chance to be with him. Well, wasn't he right? Didn't she put everything aside for the chance to spend a day with him?

"Why do you always assume that I'm free when it suits you?" She asked a bit coldly. He pouted and closed the distant between them.

"Well, aren't you? Or do you have somewhere else to be?" He started to kiss her neck. She closed her eyes, it was not fair of him to do something like _that_ and expect her to stay in her right mind.

"Maybe… No... Definitely no…"

"That was what I thought." He smirked as they fell against the bed.

* * *

"No."

"What do you mean 'no'?"

"No. I don't want to know about this." The blonde man looked at him with a hint of desperation.

"Well, it's too late for that now," the dark-haired said and smirked.

"Why did you have to tell me?"

"Don't be such a whiner. You're my best friend, that's why."

"I knew that I was going to regret that someday," he muttered back to his much amused friend.

"But seriously, how long has this been going on?" he continued.

"A couple of months…"

"A couple of months? Are you two crazy?"

"I start to begin thinking that we are. I don't know man, I can't get a divorce but I can't stop seeing her either." He said and sighed.

"You know, Serena will throw a fit when she hears about this. If she doesn't already know, that is. How is Blair taking this?"

"I honestly don't know. I don't talk to her much, besides when we're together. And then we rather not talk."

"I so didn't need to hear that."

"I miss her."

"You're with her any free moment from what I hear?"

"Yeah. But it's not enough. I miss being with her. Like for real, without the secrecy and hiding." He sighed, this was exhausting and he could only imagine how she felt. He at least was the married one; she was the one that always had to wait for him

His friend didn't say anything; the silence spoke for itself. They were on deep water and the tragic thing was that none of them knew how they would get out of this alive.

* * *

"You're late." Her voice was accusingly and he felt a wave of guilt rush through him.

"I'm sorry. Work has been crazy."

"It always is, isn't it?" she asked quietly as she poured herself a drink.

"Please. Don't be like that." He knew he didn't have any right to say that, he was the one who was late. Always late. And she was the one who always waited for him. She always had, even when they were teens.

"Like what? Exactly, what shouldn't I be like? Like I haven't waited for you for over an hour? Like I haven't waited for you for months? Like I probably will have to wait my whole life for you? Is that what you mean?"

He didn't answer; he had no answer to that because all she said was true. And they both knew it but it wasn't often they acknowledged it and when one of them did they didn't talk about it after that. They had always been good about that. The non-talking part. And maybe that had been enough when they were younger and still thought the world were theirs to conquer but as they grew older they realized that it didn't matter what dreams and ambitions they had, life would always come in between and love wasn't always enough. They had always thought that a look could say more than words but it was the fear of the pain words could cause that was the untimely factor that they preferred not talking. Although they did communicate without words better than most people did it still was to take the easy way out. And that, they were good at. Dealing with uncomfortable situations was never anything for them. But still, they managed, time after time, to get into situations even messier and more difficult to deal with than it would have been if they just had taken the right decision from the beginning.

"Can we talk about this another time? We don't get to see each other that much and I want to make the best of it. Not fight with you," he said softly. He always knew how to make her heart melt because her eyes immediately went soft and she nodded. She wasn't happy about it really but she didn't really want to fight with him either so she gladly took his invitation to an easy way out. They could talk about this later…

* * *

"I've done something stupid."

"What? Tell me Blair."

"I… God, I don't know if I should tell you this. Okay, here we go. I slept with him." The brunette looked away quickly, she didn't want to see the look on her best friends face after she just found out that her best friend had slept with her married step-brother who also is her ex-boyfriend.

"You slept with him?" the voice was skeptical, as if she didn't really believe what she just heard.

"Yeah."

"But it was only one time, right? Tell me it was only this time, please Blair."

"It's… It's been going on for a while." It had been going on for a while, for too long but she didn't dare to say how long because it was horrible really. Horrible that they did this. Maybe they hurt each other but they also brought other people into this mess, whatever those people wanted it or not and the scary thing was that they didn't even really care, they were too messed up and to madly crazy for each other to really care. They knew, deep inside their hearts, that this eventually would end, they couldn't keep doing this for the rest of their lives but right now, neither of them saw an end of this messy, crazy, passionate relationship they had. Which, by the way, wasn't even a real relationship. That was how fucked up they were.

"A while?" she raised her eyebrows.

"Stop repeating everything I say! Six months."

"Six months?! You have to stop this! Now!"

"I know. I just don't know if I can." She sighed, she was way too deep into this to back out now. And even if she wanted to, she didn't really see any way how she could.

"Think about his wife! You remember her, don't you? The woman he been married with for four years? Jennifer, does that names say anything to you?"

"You're supposed to be my best friend! Support me."

"How can I support infidelity?"

"Because I'm your best friend. And I don't see a way out of this. I can't live without him."

"You left him, remember?"

"After he cheated on me!"

"You don't know that." But she said it very quietly because she knew that it was very likely that her dear step-brother had betrayed her best friend.

"He had lipstick on his shirt. He worked late. He smelled perfume. I think I know the signs for cheating."

"Okay, so he cheated on you when you were what, twenty-two? It's been nearly eight years and four of them he was un-married. But of course not, you're Chuck and Blair so you two wait after he has promised another woman to love and be faithful to her until you start your little affair."

That was too much for her, she knew her friend was right and that was what made it so unbearable. The thought of that other woman went through what she had all these years ago and the fact was that this was her husband that went behind her back. She didn't wish that upon anybody and she knew that the right thing would have been to tell her, to come clean but she also knew that it would be painful and it would be ugly and maybe it was true the tale that what you don't know, doesn't hurt you? The thought that she should have told him her true feelings before he got married went through her head too. But, she was too upset with him then, right? That was what she had to tell herself; otherwise she would have loathed herself and him too for that matter. But, she kind of did that anyways, she just didn't let the feeling get up to the surface, she kept it in shack in the back of her conscious as a secret reminder to tell her that this was very wrong. But it didn't help her at all. She was addicted to him. He was like her own favorite drug and she just couldn't stop her addiction.

"I don't know what to do, Serena. You gotta help me see the light. A way out of this." But did she really want a way out or did she just want to feel better?

The blonde sighed. "I don't like what you're doing but you're my best friend and I love you and I will always be here for you."

* * *

"So, I will see you tonight?" He asked urgently.

"Yeah. Or I mean, if you ask me if I'm gonna be at the same place as you tonight? Sure, you're right but I don't know if we're gonna _see_ each other…" Her tone was bitter. She hated the little time they already had together and she hated the fact that when they saw each other out in the open they couldn't even spend time together and talk.

"I'm glad you're gonna be there," he said quietly. He knew how hard it must be for her to constantly see him on public events but not being able to say more than a polite "Hi, how are you?", he hated it himself. Hated that he had screwed up all those years ago, hated that his wife was so damn nice and wonderful to him when he didn't deserve it at all, hated himself for what he did to _her_, the one person he would always love and never forget for as long as he lived.

"Not as glad as I am, I'll get the privilege to see you and your wife being all in your happily married bliss," she continued sarcastically. Maybe it was unjustified but she couldn't stomach the fact that he was the one with the happy marriage and she was the one alone and miserable.

"Don't talk about her like that. She hasn't done you anything. And you know it's not like that." She didn't know why but they never said the name of his wife out loud, they just said "her", like _she _was the other woman. How ironic. Maybe they didn't dare to say her real name because it all would be too real and they would fully comprehend the fact that they were the one that were the lying, cheating ones. It was tragic that she had become someone she actually despised.

"What do you mean 'it's not like that'?"

"You know what I mean. I lo… I miss you…," he changed his mind half through his sentence and with those words he hung up and left Blair standing with her phone and his words echoing in her head.

* * *

Where the hell is she, Chuck silently wondered for himself. He and Jennifer had been there for nearly two hours and he hadn't seen Blair. She was supposed to be here! He cursed silently for himself. Suddenly he had hard to breathe. He had to get out of there. He couldn't stand the level of perfection that surrounded him. He needed her, he needed them. With their flaws and everything, it didn't matter because they were real. Their love was as real and pure as love could ever be. Didn't matter that they might live in a dream, that a life without each other might be their reality didn't change the fact that what they had was real. Even if they couldn't be together and have the life they dreamt about when they were young they still had tonight. That he was sure of and that's why he left without as much as saying goodbye to his wife and his friends.

She thought about going, she had planned to go but something stopped her. She didn't want to be there. She didn't want to se him with his nice wife being all happy when she was so utterly miserable. Sometimes she wanted to kill him, it wasn't fair that he had cheated on her and still he was the one who got the happy ending. The room was in complete silence, peaceful even. But she didn't feel like that at all. Was it really worth it? Some stolen moments with him and even more time longing for him and missing him and feeling heartache because of him. The sad thing was that she deep down in her heart probably thought it was worth every tear she had ever cried for him and every stab in the heart she got from him as long as she still owned a little piece of his heart.

"Blair?" He whispered quietly as he carefully entered the room. He saw her lie in her bed, her back turned against him. He climbed up in the bed and lay beside her. He didn't say anything, just kissed her shoulders tenderly. She didn't say anything either, she was glad that he was here.

"I'm sorry," he choked. Her eyes snapped up, she hadn't expected that. An apology.

"Why?"

"Because you deserve it. Blair, I don't know what to do. I want to be with you but I don't know how."

That was when she realized what she had to do, no matter how much she loved him. She had to let him go.

"You don't love me," she said quietly.

"Don't say that."

"You can't even say it."

He breathed heavily, he felt so lost. What was he supposed to do? Just leave his wife?

"What do you want from me Blair?" He felt so frustrated over the situation they had put themselves in. When did life become this difficult?

"What I want? Are you serious Chuck?" She started to get angry now, how dared he ask that of her? Wasn't it obvious that she just wanted him to love her like she loved him. Maybe it was faith that they had broken up all these years ago. He had cheated on her, that must count for something, right?

"You tell me!"

"You know what Chuck. I don't want anything from you anymore. I should have never let you back in my life after everything you did to me. This is over, I can't do this anymore."

"What do you mean after what I did? You left me Blair!"

"After you cheated on me!"

Suddenly the room was in completely silence.

"You knew?" he asked quietly.

"Yes, I knew Chuck. I knew how you had an affair with your business partner. So don't you dare accuse me of something I didn't do. It was all you."

He didn't say anything. What could he say; his past had come to the surface again and once again destroyed the best thing in his life. Blair. Why did he always have to mess up?

"_Hey, honey. I'm just on my way home and I thought I was gonna by Starbucks. Do you want me to bring you something?" his girlfriend happily asked. They had gotten engaged the night before and she was over the moon. This was what she had dreamed about since she went to kindergarten. _

"_Yeah sure. Buy me one macchiato with caramel flavor."_

"_Then that's what it'll be. See you in thirty?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_Okay, bye. Love you."_

_He hung up. He didn't know why he didn't say 'I love you too' back to her. Maybe it was because he didn't know how, sure he loved her but this relationship was all new to him. They might've been a couple for two years now but it was still hard for him to be so open about what he felt. Maybe it was the fact that he just had sex with his colleague. He didn't know how it started or when. Heck, he didn't even now why. He loved Blair. More than anything. He couldn't understand how it came to this point. He hated himself for it. Hated that he hurt her so much even though he knew she didn't know anything about it. But even though that he couldn't stop. _

"_I don't know why I'm here," he said quietly. _

"_I'm glad you are though," his colleague Amanda said._

"I- I don't know what to say Blair. I never meant to hurt you." He swallowed hard.

"You mean you never meant for me to find out?" Her voice was laced with venom but at the same time she was on the verge of tears. Until now she still had hoped that was she'd been thinking all these years might not have been true. It was. And it didn't feel like a relief. It felt terrible.

"Why?" she whispered.

"I don't know. It just happened and I couldn't stop it."

"You couldn't stop it?"

"I'm sorry. I love you."

"Your love doesn't mean anything to me anymore." With that she walked out and didn't stop walking until she came out in the cold New York night. Then she finally allowed herself to stop and just grieve the memory she had of them together. She didn't think she could ever look at him the same way again. Sure, she had said to Serena that she knew he had cheated but she had doubted because she thought she _knew _him. Knew him well enough to know that he would never do this to her. Apparently she had been wrong. And that hurt like hell.

* * *

"I hate myself."

"You should."

"You're not helping."

"Do you really deserve help?" Nate asked and raised his eyebrows.

"Maybe not. I know I did wrong but that was years ago."

"Maybe s, but that doesn't change the fact that Blair got the confession out of you last night."

"I didn't know that she knew. She wasn't supposed to find out!"

"Isn't that was the problem is? That you didn't tell her. That you cheated on her."

"I don't know why I did it, it just happened, okay?"

"No, it's not. You should've seen her after she left you. Man, it was devastating."

Chuck didn't say anything, it hurt to much to know what he'd done to her.

"You know, you hurt her really bad. The first months after she left to go to France Serena tried to call her every day and she never got anything more than Blair's voicemail. Then when Blair did come home you still was single but she was still completely heartbroken. She didn't want to do anything. And the day you married Jennifer, it was heart wrenching to see. After we left the church she locked herself into the toilet and didn't come out until next day. I don't know what she did but since that day she didn't talk about you at all. It was as if she'd healed and moved on."

"I never meant to hurt her. I love her so much."

"You should tell her that before it's too late."

* * *

"Blair, please open," he begged to her as he stood outside her house.

"I told you we were over," she said and gave him a cold look.

"We've never been over. I love you Blair. I've always loved you."

"I'm nothing to you Chuck. I realize that now."

"You're everything to me Blair. I don't know what I would do without you, I need you."

Blair's face softened, he looked so little as he stood there and what he said felt good. But they had no future together. They were a hopeless case.

"You say that now but what do we have Chuck?"

"Tonight. We have tonight." She smiled sadly at his words, it was the same ones he had told her at the Snowflake Ball, the night she thought they might've been a couple but instead it was the night that ended in tragedy and darkness. A night she wanted to take back, the pain that night had caused him was unbearable and she had been the one having to witness all that. When she thought about it now she realized life had never been fair to them.

"It's not enough."

"Please." It was a pleading. A pleading for her to forgive him, for her to love him, for her to give them a chance, a chance they both knew they didn't really have. They never had have.

"I'm sorry Chuck."With those words she closed the door in his face. There was nothing left now. Just two broken souls that would never heal.

* * *

As Chuck went to bed that night he thought about his life. How they had come to this. Deep down he had known that it would eventually come to an end, that what they had would be to good to be true. He just never thought that day would be today. It felt unfair, because their love was something special. It was consuming. It was self-destructing. It was desperate. It was everything he wanted. And now it was over. He knew it, the look on her face when she told him it was not enough would forever be imprinted in his head. It was a look of finality, of defeat. Maybe she'd come to accept the fact that love would never be enough for them, that life always had different plans for them. He'd probably have a good life, his wife was wonderful and he had his friends and his company. He'd be fine. But the empty space in his heart would never heal, it would be there as a constant reminder of what could have been. And that he had to live with every day for the rest of his life. When he closed his eyes his last thought was that when he woke up it would be the first day of very many without Blair Waldorf.

As she went to be that night she thought about her life. How they had come to this. Every since that day she had left him she had thought that they eventually would be together again. Someday in the future. It didn't matter that he had betrayed her in the worst way, she would never be able to be free from him. He would always have a piece of her heart. When he got married she still hadn't given up the hope for them. But maybe dreams were better than reality because the moment their affair started she knew that would be the end for them. There was no turning back then, that day in early April when he had kissed her for the first time in over eight years. It had felt so good back then. To be in his arms again. But it was over now, far too soon. Her biggest regret in her life would be that she never got to love him the way she wanted. Instead she would love him secretly in the safety of her own home; she would live a good life. She had her fashion line, her friends and she was not a girl that would be without a boyfriend for too long. But she would never feel whole and as content as she did when she was with him. It would be a hole in her heart that no glue would ever fix. When she closed her eyes her last thought was that when she woke up it would be the first day of many without Chuck Bass.

**THE END**


End file.
